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Towards the end of “Juno,” the hit movie about an unplanned pregnancy, 16-year-old Juno is talking with her Dad about relationships. Juno is looking for some kind of guarantee, and she says to him, “I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever…”
In her offbeat yet uncomplicated style, Juno reveals the dilemma everyone faces as they navigate the rough waters of love and lust.
How do two people make it work?
WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
In today’s culture of instant gratification, most teens know about sex: the mechanics, the management and the consequences. And as we get older, we might consider a "serious relationship" as a rite of passage - a symbol of maturity. But few high school or college biology classes include a lesson on "Love". For advice on relationships, we turn to friends and family. We also see plenty of examples of relationships – good and bad – in books, movies, television shows and music lyrics.
In today’s romantic comedies, for example, love usually involves a competent, sometimes slightly neurotic, but attractive woman falling for either an overgrown schlub (“Knocked Up”), a handsome Peter Pan (“Failure to Launch”) or a sweet, infantile geek (“The 40-Year-Old Virgin”).
In all three movies, the guy just needs to grow up (!) and everyone can live happily ever after.
But how depressing is that scenario!? - that men somehow need to be tamed and groomed by capable, love-starved females. In the movies, which have a shaky connection to reality at the best of times, women are destined to a life of Jennifer Aniston hair grooming and body toning while their men play Xbox 360.
THE MODERN MAN
In his review of “Knocked-Up,” New York Times film critic A.O. Scott revealed the darker side to director Judd Apatow’s comedy.
“Mr. Apatow’s critique of contemporary mores is easy to miss — it is obscured as much by geniality as by profanity — but it is nonetheless severe and directed at the young men who make up the core of this film’s likely audience. The culture of sexual entitlement and compulsive consumption encourages men to remain boys, for whom women serve as bedmates and babysitters.”
Harsh words for the male species, but in the United States, recent statistics about unmarried women support Apatow’s bleak view. According to the Center for Labor Market Studies at Northeastern University in Boston, in 2006, for the first time in U.S. history, 50.4 percent of all births to women under 30 were out of wedlock.
The Center’s statistics also reveal that the higher a man’s annual earnings, the more likely he is to be married. So there’s an economic angle to marriage – whether it be a herd of cows or a dowry or a house in the suburbs - in just about any country anywhere in the world.
Once you’ve accounted for income and ethnicity, however, there remains a fundamental difference between men and women; that, biologically-speaking, men don’t need to settle down and have children before they turn 40. That gives men a different perspective on dating and relationships, and helps to explain why there are plenty of men who want to play the field indefinitely.
FROM ‘CONNECTING’ TO FOR-EVER
Beyond the singles scene, if you were to survey a group of happily-married couples, you’d probably hear the word, "connection" a lot. They met and there was a "connection." It just "clicked" or "we talked for hours" or "I just knew".
Finding the right person is often just trial and error and involves a whole host of variables: timing, luck, state of mind, etc. You may meet the right person at college, at a club or over the Internet, but ultimately you’ll get together face to face, and, if the planets align, make a life-long connection.
From there the quest transforms from finding the right person to building a happy and stable relationship. And again, going back to the dilemma Juno faced, there’s no guidebook or road map for success.
However, researchers are finding that some relationships – namely successful same-sex relationships – can shed light on what makes a marriage work.
RESPONSIBILITY, POWER & AUTHORITY – FIGHTING FAIR
Researchers in Vermont and California, two states that have legalized gay marriage, say the new legal ruling “presents an opportunity to study the effects of marriage on the quality of all relationships.” They’ve found that same-sex relationships tend to be more egalitarian and that daily burdens, from paying bills to cleaning house, are shared equally. Same-sex couples, even though they have about the same number of conflicts on average as heterosexual couples, also tend to fight more fairly and make more of an effort to resolve conflicts.
“When they got into these really negative interactions, gay and lesbian couples were able to do things like use humor and affection that enabled them to step back from the ledge and continue to talk about the problem instead of just exploding,” said Robert W. Levenson, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley.
Overall, the research revealed the need for perspective in a relationship – the ability to see the other person’s point of view – and suggested that heterosexual couples need to work harder than same-sex couples at seeing both sides of an argument. Generally, couples that fight fair and find ways to relate to each other have stronger relationships.
“When I look at what’s happening in California, I think there’s a lot to be learned and to explore about how human beings relate to one another,” said Sondra E. Solomon, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Vermont. “How people care for each other, how they share responsibility, power and authority — those are the key issues in relationships.”
BE WHO YOU ARE
From the days of Hepburn and Tracy through to Danny and Sandy and now to the ladies of "Sex and the City," movie relationships have been nothing less than armed conflict – a battle of wills where the winner, usually female, gets the guy and the ring.
But life doesn’t always work out that way, and Prince Charming doesn’t just ride a horse (or a Lincoln Town Car) down Fifth Avenue. Successful relationships require care, nurturing, perspective and lots and lots of work.
As Juno, heavily pregnant and pessimistic, looked to her father for guidance, dear old Dad responded, “In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are.”
Acceptance and perspective: could these be the true signs of an adult relationship?
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