I saw The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor last night. Considering how the first two movies in the franchise were decently entertaining, I sat down expecting more of that good stuff. Oh boy. Oooh boy.

The actors
The original Evie must have been body-snatched by aliens, because the new one looks and acts nothing like her. The original was Nefertiti incarnate, and she fought with knives in both hands! The new one cracks bad jokes and looks uncomfortable in her own skin.

Her son and his love interest also taxed the imagination. The chemistry between the two hit sub-zero temperatures, and their dialogue was gag-worthy. Which brings me neatly to my next point…

The script
Sucked. “Honey, why don’t we skip dinner, go upstairs, and I’ll (insert the trademark Brendan Fraser Eyebrow Waggle) inspire you”. I couldn’t believe my ears. I actually felt sorry for Fraser when he delivered that line. The rest of the script is similarly cliché and predictable, and overrun with desperately bad jokes (mostly by the Jonathan character, who probably stopped finding himself funny two movies ago).

The concept
Please, the last place where it was acceptable to see a face gazing lovingly out of the sky was Disney’s The Lion King. And speaking of clichés, the whole Asian mystics and kung-fu trend died out with 2004’s House of Flying Daggers. No more, ever. There was an attempt to inject a rite-of-passage concept into the movie, whereby the son learns about his father’s love for him and becomes a better man for it. But it was rather daggy.

There were a few saving graces to the whole debacle. Jet Li delivers yet again on the evil, predictable and slightly deranged villain. Shanghai is depicted in all its Technicolor glory, before most of it gets blown up. Oh, and the explosions. Things start blowing up right from the get-go, and don’t let up until the very end. Fabulous, if you like that sort of thing.

Guys, registration for the iCUBED.us Silent Film Contest starts today. You won’t need to worry about dialogue, but judges will be looking at other things like concept, acting and directing, so please learn from Mummy 3’s mistakes. The judges will thank you for it.