Morgan Powell, MSW, is an Associate Clinical Social Worker living in the San Francisco bay area who has worked with severely abused children in the foster care system as well as with adolescents aging out of the foster care system. She has also worked with adults and seniors challenged with severe mental illness living in psychiatric care facilities.

THE LOW-DOWN ON BULLYING: What communities are doing to stop Bullying (Part 3/3), by NYScribbler

Interviewee: Morgan Powell (MP)
iCUBED.us interviewer: Irene Knoop
Date: February 2011

iCUBED.us: What do you make of all the recent teen suicides due to bullying? Do you think things have gotten harder for kids and teens in school or were they always this bad?

MP: It’s tragic and so sad. Let’s be honest, violence is glamorized and promoted in our society and people have become desensitized, especially teens. How many violent acts does one see on television each day? Suicides often happen in clusters and it seems like suicide is a favored option these days. With the explosion of online knowledge and mass communications life has become easier and more challenging for teens in today’s society. You not are only held responsible to your reputation at school but basically your reputation in the world. Gossip does not stop within the walls of your school but can be spread around the world. People are more narcissistic and voyeuristic with mediums such as Facebook and YouTube. While all of these are fine in moderation for positive social communication, a bully can wreak havoc on their target’s reputation via cyberbullying. This is definitely not something that our parents went through. It has created a harsher environment for teens.

iCUBED.us: What do you think of the notion that bullying is just a part of growing up or a rite of passage?

MP: I feel that bullying is a difficult challenge that most of us encounter when growing up, not just simply “part of growing up.” It needs to be taken seriously and not just disregarded as a rite of passage. Times have changed and we need to change our way of thinking about bullying. Adults telling teens to “get over it” or “when I was young…” need to accept that bullying is different today and not gloss it over like it’s part of the package while coming of age. It should not be tolerated or accepted.

iCUBED.us: What is the difference between conflict among peers and bullying? When does teasing or picking on someone cross the line into bullying territory?

MP: A major difference between teasing and bullying deals with length of time and power. When peers tease each other there is often some humor and playfulness involved and peers are usually of similar social status. A bully will often go after a “weaker” peer or someone who is perceived as “different.” The behavior may go on for an extended amount of time. According to the NASW (National Association of Social Workers), “Bullying is the intentional and repeated use of actions and words designed to intimidate or hurt another person. Bullying can be verbal, physical, or nonverbal/nonphysical. Examples of verbal bullying include teasing, taunting, name-calling, and spreading rumors. Hitting, kicking, shoving, and destroying property are types of physical bullying. And threatening or obscene gestures are non-verbal/non-physical types of bullying. Yet with the progression of technology, bullying often occurs online or through use of personal mobile phones to text, email, or send an instant messages. Over time bullying has serious consequences such as depression and suicide.”

iCUBED.us: What should a teen do if they are being bullied and how easy is it to handle a bully on your own? Is it as simple as ignoring the bully or telling the bully that what they say or do doesn’t hurt you?

MP: I do not think there is anything “simple” when dealing with a bully. It is important to address the bullying immediately with some adult support if at all possible. Most bullies are not easy to handle alone – they didn’t earn that bad rep for nothing! Unfortunately in most cases it is not as simple as ignoring the bully or telling them that their behavior is offensive. It may be a good start but let’s face it, support is good – letting trusted adults/friends know what is going on and devising a plan may be the strongest intervention to fight a bully.

iCUBED.us: In your experience, what are some commonalities among bullies? Do most bullies come from broken and/or dysfunctional homes?

MP: I don’t think it would be fair to make the statement that bullies mostly come from broken and/or dysfunctional homes. However in most dysfunctional homes communication is a key factor which is missing. In my experience the major commonality of a bully is unhappiness along with poor communication skills. The bully is a sad person who does not feel comfortable communicating feelings in a positive manner. Instead they “puff” themselves up to appear stronger and larger than life with power but it is truly just a mask to cover a very small, sad person with low self esteem. Most bullies also lack positive values, social competencies, positive identity, and commitment to learning. Some bullies have true psychiatric personality disorders which makes it very difficult for them to have positive relationships with others.

iCUBED.us: What can schools do to better help kids that are being bullied? Conversely, what can be done to help a bully change his or her behavior?

MP: Educate. Talk about it. If schools cannot be honest and address what is going on, a resolution will never be found. Empower the students – help them feel strong and supported. Teach compassion. Educate students on bullying. Give consequences to fight bullying – let it be known that it will not be tolerated. Set younger teens up with peer mentors in high school to help role model positive social interaction. Create a place where students can go to be heard and feel safe in the school environment. Invite interesting guest speakers who have struggled with bullying in the past – give students hope for their future. In order for a change to take place the bully must have an awareness and acceptance that he/she is a bully. A bully needs to find out what is making him/her interact negatively with others. Perhaps the bully is bullied by an older sibling or parent. Maybe the bully was bullied in middle school and now seeks revenge in his/her high school years. The bully must take positive action to change their behaviors. A bully may be abused –mentally, physically, or sexually and is acting out because he or she does not know how to cope and is scared and unable to ask for help. In some cases a therapist is needed to help the bully recognize the problem and work together for positive change.

iCUBED.us: Gay teens are especially at risk for bullying. What can be done within schools and communities to create a tolerant and safe environment for them?

MP: As a country we still struggle with homophobic intolerance. We are not sending a positive message to our youth. I feel a zero tolerance policy is necessary. It sends a strong message to the bully that negative behavior will not be allowed at all. It is important for the bully to know that there are consequences for the negative actions otherwise the bully will continue with poor behavior. It is important for the school, family, and community environment to come together as one to teach tolerance and compassion through education. LGBT teens are more susceptible to harmful consequences when cyber-bullying occurs such as outing the youth and possibly creating a problem with current or future employment. Peer mentor groups have proven to be helpful for LGBT teens to promote hope and acceptance for the future.

iCUBED.us: What role can parents play in this? How can they help their teen if he or she is being bullied?

MP: Again, communication is essential. If parents do not know there is a problem they cannot begin to help with a resolution. Parents should develop a relationship with their child’s school. Most importantly, parents should develop strong relationships with their teens, if one does not already exist. If I could tell a parent anything it would be this – if you want your teen to communicate with you it is important to create a safe, loving environment parents need to really listen (with full attention) to their teens and hear what they are saying. Parents should empower and support their teen and they should always praise them for finding the courage to come forward and speak about challenging issues.

iCUBED.us: Did you ever experience any bullying growing up?

MP: Totally! In junior high, it was very, very horrible. I would get teased on the bus. I was called names like fat pig, slut, pimple face, and I was scared to go to the cafeteria for lunch. Basically the whole school was against me because of one or two bullies. I would come up with any excuse I could to stay home and not have to deal with the torment. I remember thinking about suicide but I never made any concrete plans. I just thought wow, if life can be this horrible for me now something really great must happen to me in the future because this sucks! It’s funny because years later one or two of the bullies asked me out. Of course I said "No"!

iCUBED.us: What words of advice would you give to a kid or teen that is being bullied?

MP: Communication is the best thing you can do. Do not tolerate bullying from the beginning, listen to your gut – if you are feeling like you are being bullied, more than likely you are. Do not allow the bully to continue the intimidating behavior because the longer it goes on the worse the situation may become. By calling attention to the unwanted behaviors in the beginning, it sends a strong message to the bully that you are not willing to be a target. It is important to tell your parents or caretakers. They need to know what is going on so they may support you and not misinterpret your feelings as perhaps having a “bad attitude” or being a typical “moody teen.” If your family/caregivers do not know you are battling a bully how can they help you? Also, depending on where the bullying is going on, let school staff know the situation as well. The school cannot help you unless they know there is a problem. Seek support from trusted staff member or favorite teacher. Practice good self-care and love yourself.

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Please also read ... VICTIMS BECOME VICTIMIZERS: What HATING gay people says about YOU PROFILE OF A BULLY: why do bullies bully? P.2/3 THE MANY FORMS OF BULLYING: physical, verbal, emotional, cyber, public, private ... P.1/3